It’s been over a week since my last post; its been too long, I know. However it has been much needed I was reading a post over on Quirky Workin’ Mom’s about putting yourself in timeout from the world of social media and other toxic areas in your life. Taking a timeout and giving yourself a time to relax, reboot, & get things done! I wanted to just take a few days off to begin with but then another day got added then another, it was quite nice to take that time off! I was able to have family time with my husband who was off work for the last couple of weeks due to switching to a new job, which he started on Monday. I spent more time with my boys even though they were never in one place for more than a couple of minutes, enjoyed me giving a little extra time to them anyways. And finally I found time for myself! After weeks of rolling through this season of sickness, stress, anxiety, & all the rest of 2020 I needed some sort of me time. It should have been a no brainer to start taking care of me but when you are a mom who takes care of kids, the house, most of the bills, the car, the cooking, the cleaning, remembering trash day, taking kids to school or doctors appointments (most online), making sure the animals get fed/watered, and so much more it can be so easy to forget to take care of well YOU! To combat the sort of funk I have fallen into I have started a new diet that really is more of a healthier eating style controlling portion sizes and replacing a lot of unhealthy choices with better ones. When the days are nicer I opt to walk to the bus stop to pick up my oldest rather than take the car & even get in some extra walking before sometimes if its a really nice day. I usually will have my almost 9 month old with me so weather needs to be baby friendly to go for a walk outside. If a walk outside isn’t possible that day I will do my best to get inside chores done; cleaning the house mostly. Getting up and moving around helps out a lot with moods and how you are feeling. I think that a lot of people have been in a funk lately with COVID and just 2020 in general. Giving myself time to get more things done and also take a break has been a nice change to my normal day of chaos. I will admit I have been so used to not posting it would have been easier to continue that but I enjoy writing too much to give it up so soon! I will also admit I have been battling against the faceless enemy of anxiety & depression that come to visit me from time to time. Taking time for myself has also been a great way to help with those feelings as well. I guess the moral of the story I am writing to you about is that every person at some point needs to give themselves time that is reserved just for them and them ONLY! If you are always taking time for everyone else in your life giving your self and time to person after person you are going to get worn out physically & mentally. You need to STOP and smell the roses or rather take that deep breath and evaluate what it is that you need instead of what everyone else is needing. You may not be able to take a whole lot of time but a little bit of time for yourself goes a long way! It gives you a chance to relax and unwind. You just need to figure out what YOU time looks like for you & your needs! There’s still going to be time for all of the others in your life who need you but only if you give yourself a break once in a while! Don’t be afraid to pamper yourself a little more and find that special time for you and YOU only!
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Anxiety is nothing new by far. It just lingers around waiting for its moment to shine. It hangs over my head for its chance to jump in and take hold of my life. It has many faces, none of which are the same as the other. Ironically it wears different masks hiding its true identity. Lately I like many others have experienced anxiety. Where does anxiety lurk and hide? Well it is practically invisible and attacks when least expected. For me my anxiety it sneaks up when I am trying to get to sleep and feel nothing but worry about my infant child at night especially or worry about things that are not likely to happen but what if always hangs stalling. I used to be able to just go to sleep so easily and never really had this much of an issue with insomnia until now. My anxiety is an old friend who I thought I had left behind in this race of life of what ending is unknown.
Anxiety is not discriminatory it doesn’t care who you are or where you come from it happens to everyone even if you don’t meet face to face. Anxiety has many friends that often tag along to join in on the fun that it has with all of the emotions that a person gives out into the world. Some days I feel like I am on display for all of these different types of anxiety to pick on and have at. A free for all and it tries on all of its different masks on me. Trying to find the best fit. I feel helpless and stuck.
Who are anxiety’s friends, have I met them?
I am no stranger to those groupies who follow anxiety wherever it may go. They revel in the spot light and will make sure to fill in the gaps of a person’s emotions to better fit there agendas. Anxiety often travels with depression, stress, suicidal thoughts, the feelings of feeling less than, worry, panic, anger, and sadness. Most of which I have experienced first hand and don’t wish those feeling upon anyone. If you do find yourself masked with anxiety or one of its many other masks know that you are not alone. Alone is what they intend to make you feel like they want to self isolate you so that you feel like nothing can make things better and that you will just be stuck forever. When a person is alone it makes the process of cutting that person down and making them feel less than until they actually believe it in their own minds a reality. Anxiety and it’s other masked friends brainwash you they set in worry little by little creating a fear that paralyzes a person it beats that person down to a new level where they feel a variety of feelings all meant to cause a person to feel like they are not themselves and are losing their minds little by little until they do.
What does anxiety look like?
Anxiety and it’s cloaked friends live in the shadows of our minds and only come out to play with our emotions when they see fit. We all have a different way to show that we are going through anxiety or it’s other cloaked friends the infection isn’t always going to look the same for all the different types of people in the world. My anxiety, depression, worry, fear, less than feelings, & stress are different than yours. My anxiety makes it hard for me to sleep but other times I may have a hard time enjoying the stuff I want to enjoy like time for myself. Depression for me is silent usually I don’t cause a ruckus and there is no kicking and screaming it just eats away at me in silent lunges. I get beaten down in my mind and as the sadness takes over the tears pool into a puddle inside and out I feel worthless but no one would know it as I always put on that smile. A half cranked smile forced and at the ready to put on a show for the world because they don’t need to feel what I feel. I am too stubborn I don’t need any help out of this place I’m trapped in it’s not so bad once you get used to it. My feelings aren’t worth being cared about by anyone else but me they are after all my burdens to bare. They weigh me down and as I feel chained down to the ground hunching me over breaking my strength little by little I somehow must still stand tall as if nothing has changed because my pain is invisible. To the outside world it doesn’t exist. To me it exists they all exist they all wear their different masks. Stress lately has had me stretched out to the limit I can feel it’s toll that it has taken on my body. Reminds me of the medieval times the torture devices that stretch the body to its literal breaking point is how I feel sometimes with my stress. The feeling of less than will set in next as if the anxious worry and fear wasn’t enough nor was the depression induced sadness. Then put some stress on the woman… surely that’s enough right? Wrong because anxiety has many faces and so does the rest!
How can you make it better? Is it even possible to feel normal again?
Even though most days feel never ending and that the mask i am wearing the mask that has auctioned itself to me is never coming off it somehow does. Anxiety and all that follows it have that end goal of isolation to make their victims feel alone; I aim to make sure I am not alone even if most of the time I am not physically alone. I have to make sure that I talk to someone anyone who will listen. Talking helps so much more than your mind will let you think that it does. You have to push yourself to escape that box you are in even if it doesn’t seem possible. All that the cloaked box holds is sadness and loneliness. It is a lie. If you let it control you with out fighting you might end up in a real life or death type of situation that can be fatal for you or even others who try to intervene at that point. I’m not saying it is easy because it is far from easy you are literally fighting yourself. Your mind, to be more specific . You are fighting a brain that thinks and plots and twists everything in order to win then on top of that you are attempting to win using can you take a guess what you are using? Your brain! The same one you are fighting against to win what seems to be an unbeatable enemy. It’s okay to ask for help because it is hard but doable. Ask for help, talk to someone! People may not talk to you because they cannot see what is happening to you the feeling you are feeling is invisible on the outside sometimes. When I feel like I am sliding down into a place where I don’t think it is possible to get back out of I know I need to talk to someone I need to get it all out and expel those emotions. I have gotten down to my breaking point to the actual point where I break, what happened? I sank and just kept sinking down further from the surface and that’s exactly what it felt like. It felt like drowning in my mind; eating wasn’t important at that point, talking wasn’t necessary, doing anything was pointless, because why was it worth it. How did I escape my waterless prison in the depths of my mind? I made a choice that I could either die at some point what would have been a horrible way to go, I could be sent to some sort of mental institution and live what was left of my life I gave up on, or I could fight back little by little and piece myself back together. I chose to try again because I believed that there was more to my life that I needed to experience still. Now I’m here sharing it with you. I make it a point not to get to that point ever again; I push myself and reach out to someone anyone who will listen.
Don’t let those masks those cloaked downers get ahold of you forever. They will come and eventually go if you continue to fight back!